Today, we'll have a look at how people come to be who they are - what influences are taking a part in it, and how specific things lead to specific outcomes. This is a topic worth considering delving into as a part of writing characters saga. As we write our characters we should understand where they're coming from and why are they behaving the way they are - well, at least if we want realistic, complex characters.
To understand human development better, I strongly recommend reading Gabor Mate's book "Myth of normal", which discusses it in depth with the use of the newest researches available. In this post, I'll be using that book to write insights and advice for writing truly realistic characters.
EARLY LIFE
• Prenatal & Early Physical Environment - stress during pregnancy (maternal and paternal) affects gene expression, stress-hormone systems in the foetus, with lasting consequences
• Attachment Style - children need deep emotional bonds with attuned caregivers: feeling safe, seen, soothed. When caregivers are emotionally available, responsive, and consistent, the child builds a sense of safety, trust, ability to explore. When attachment is insecure or disrupted, the child may develop maladaptive strategies (people-pleasing, suppression of needs, defensive behaviours) that carry into adulthood.
• Unmet Needs & “Little-t” Trauma - trauma isn’t just big catastrophes; it includes ongoing unmet emotional needs: not being attuned to, not feeling accepted, not being allowed to express emotions freely. These can accumulate and affect emotional regulation, sense of self, self-esteem, capacity for relationships etc.
2. CULTURAL & SOCIAL INFLUENCES
Modern culture (individualism, productivity, competitiveness) shapes what is considered “normal” behaviour, what expectations are placed on individuals, and often normalizes unhealthy or unsustainable behaviours.
Cultural messages about what is success, what is desirable, what is acceptable emotion or identity, deeply influence self-image and identity formation.
Economic stress, class, discrimination, isolation are not peripheral; they are central in influencing mental and physical health. Discrimination (racism, sexism, etc.) leads to chronic stress, which accumulates in the body.
The structure of society (employment, housing, medical access, social support) can either buffer or exacerbate stress. Where structural support is weak, or where people are marginalized, the risk of negative outcomes is greater.
Isolation or lack of meaningful connection is detrimental. Human beings are wired for social connection; belongingness promotes resilience, mitigates stress.
3. PSYCHOLOGICAL PATTERNS & ADAPTATIONS
In response to unmet needs, persons often adapt in ways that may protect them, but also mask or suppress parts of themselves (e.g. suppressing anger, over-identification with roles, the need to please others).
The idea of “authentic self” vs “who I had to become” is important: many personal narratives involve discovering which traits are genuine, and which are survival-strategies.
Trauma doesn’t only shape what happens externally but how the person perceives themselves and the world: their worldview, their capacity to handle stress, their emotional reactivity.
Response flexibility is often reduced: habitual defensive patterns, inability to pause and choose a reaction, more automatic reactivity.
4. THE CULTURE OF NORMAL AND ITS PRESSURES
“Normal” as a concept is socially constructed and often includes toxic or unhealthy norms. What is considered “normal” may actually be contributing to widespread illness.
Social expectations: performance, productivity, appearance, success etc., all imposing pressure. When people can’t or don’t want to conform, they can feel shame, isolation.
5. HEALING & GROWTH
Maté doesn’t just point out what goes wrong; he outlines what helps healing and fosters healthy development. These are forces that a character could experience or embody which enable growth.
Authenticity: reclaiming parts of self that were suppressed; living in alignment with one’s values and feelings.
Agency: experiencing the ability to choose, to say “no,” to act from one’s own convictions.
Healthy Anger: recognizing that suppressed anger is harmful, but that anger (expressed appropriately) is a signal of boundary, justice, self-respect.
Self-acceptance: embracing vulnerabilities, flaws, emotionality rather than trying to perform or hide. Compassion for self, letting self be seen.
Supportive relationships, safe environment: healing is relational. Community, compassionate listening, being seen and accepted.
Mindfulness, introspection, practices that help someone become aware of how their internal world (beliefs, adaptations, wounds) shapes behaviour.
Societal change & cultural shifts: reducing systemic stressors, creating environments that support human needs rather than undermine them.
6. UNIQUE FACTORS
Even with similar early environments, people diverge in outcomes due to:
Genetic predispositions (including sensitivity to stress, temperament).
The timing, type, and intensity of experiences (e.g. small trauma early may interact differently than later).
Presence or absence of “buffering” factors: e.g. a caring mentor, a sibling, stable environment, meaningful relationships.
Personal meaning, inner narrative: how someone interprets their experiences, what stories they tell about themselves.
QUESTIONS FOR CHARACTERS WRITING
1. Early Life & Attachment
Who were their primary caregivers?
Did they feel safe, seen, soothed, supported?
Were their needs (emotional, physical, expressive) consistently met or neglected?
Attachment style: secure / anxious / avoidant / disorganized?
How did they learn to get love: by being themselves or by adapting (pleasing, hiding, excelling)?
What unmet developmental needs do they carry forward (e.g. shame, suppressed anger, a sense of not being enough)?
2. Childhood Experiences & Trauma
Big events (loss, abuse, illness, separation)?
“Little-t” traumas: repeated invalidation, lack of emotional attunement, conditional acceptance?
Did they learn to suppress emotions (anger, sadness, vulnerability) for survival?
What protective strategies did they develop (perfectionism, withdrawal, humor, caretaking)?
3. Mind–Body Connection
Does stress or emotional repression show up in their body (illness, chronic pain, fatigue, anxiety)?
How do they regulate (or fail to regulate) stress?
Do they have any habits/addictions that serve as coping mechanisms?
4. Cultural & Social Influences
What cultural “norms” shaped them (e.g. productivity, success, appearance, gender roles)?
How do they view themselves in relation to these expectations?
Do they face systemic challenges (poverty, discrimination, marginalization)?
Do they have a community or are they isolated?
What cultural pressures do they live under? What norms are they internalizing (or rebelling against)?
5. Psychological Adaptations
What is their authentic self (natural temperament, passions, values)?
What adapted self did they construct to be accepted (e.g. people-pleaser, achiever, caregiver, rebel)?
What inner conflicts exist between authentic vs. adapted self?
How do they relate to emotions (anger, joy, grief, shame)?
How much agency do they believe they have?
6. Relationships
How do they show up in close relationships? Trusting, avoidant, clingy, distant?
Do they seek validation or approval?
Can they set boundaries and say no?
Do they choose partners/friends who mirror early attachment patterns?
7. Current Life & Struggles
What pressures are they under (career, family, cultural, societal)?
How do they handle stress - resilience or collapse?
Are they aware of their coping patterns, or are they on “autopilot”?
Do they experience a split between public self vs. private inner world?
8. Health & Body
Any chronic conditions, psychosomatic issues, burnout?
Do they listen to their body’s signals or override them?
How does their physical state reflect their emotional life?
9. Healing & Growth Potential
What helps them feel safe and authentic (a mentor, therapist, friend, community, art)?
What sparks glimpses of their true self (creativity, spirituality, nature, love)?
Can they reclaim suppressed emotions (especially anger and grief) in healthy ways?
What small acts of self-acceptance or agency mark turning points?
What kind of environment or relationship would allow healing to unfold?
What helps them heal or grow: relationships, authenticity, reclaiming suppressed parts, learning to say no, accepting self, etc.?
10. Narrative Arc
Beginning: How do past wounds and adaptations limit them?
Middle: What forces (relationships, crises, inner breakdowns) push them to confront their patterns?
End: Do they integrate authenticity, reclaim agency, and build healthier connections - or remain trapped by “the myth of normal”?
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