WHAT ARE CONFLICT STYLES?
Conflict styles are the ways one deals with situations of disagreement or conflict of interest.
It speaks volumes about the individual’s mentality and can be used in writing as a tool of indirectly describing the character.
The desired, healthiest conflict style will be discussed last.
Caution: this post talks about conflict styles in a setting that's meant to keep all the parties involved equal (for example friendship).
Enjoy the read and self-reflection!
COMPETING
- the goal of the “competing” person while in argument: getting what they want no matter what
- what does it mean: they want to achieve winning while the other person ends up losing
EXAMPLE:
‘I don't care what you think!’ he shouted. ‘I know I'm right, and I'm not going to back off on that! I've decided to go to the play a long time ago, so that's what I'm going to do.’
PROBLEM:
Don't confuse standing your ground and being assertive with a competing argument style. You can be assertive while also considering the other person's situation and feelings and allowing the space for discussion.
CAN BE USED TO WRITE CHARACTERS WHO:
• grew up in an environment where they had to fight for everything and if they didn't, they wouldn't get anything
• have anger issues and/or never learned how to deal with frustration
• don’t care about others
• are used for things to always go their way
• want to show their dominance over the other person
AVOIDING
- the goal is to avoid resolving the problem at all by stating there's no problem to resolve
- they don't even want to enter the state of a fight / conflict by walking away from it before it takes place
EXAMPLE:
‘I don't think it's that much of an issue,’ she shook her arms. ‘Let's just enjoy the vacation, okay? We can talk about it later. Look how nice the weather is!’
PROBLEM:
While fighting is uncomfortable, it also makes room for growth and progress. Avoiding fights at all costs doesn't make for stable grounds for any kind of relationship for it also doesn't allow vulnerability. Also, ignoring the other person's concerns is invalidating!
CAN BE USED TO WRITE CHARACTERS WHO:
• aren't mature enough to deal with a conflict
• don't want to confront reality
• don't respect the other person's concerns
• are used to being disrespected and unknowingly (or knowingly) do the same to others while believing that avoiding the conflict is the best they can do
• are manipulative
• are neglectful and/or abusive towards others and/or themselves
• are deeply scared of confrontation
ACCOMMODATING
- the goal is not to make the other person upset by placing their perspective above your own
- “their needs are more important”
EXAMPLE:
‘Look, I don't mind being exhausted if it means they're going to get what they need, alright? They shook it off like it was no big deal, although the black circles around their eyes were saying otherwise.
PROBLEM:
By never prioritizing your needs and wants not only you're blocking your self-growth, you're also putting yourself in a position where it's very easy for others to take advantage of you.
CAN BE USED TO WRITE CHARACTERS WHO:
• have been abused
• are people-pleasers
• have a low self-esteem
• have abandonment issues
• are numb and don't care anymore
COMPROMISING
- the goal is to reach a compromise in every fight / conflict, to reach a middle ground
- what does it mean: let's both get 50% of what we want
EXAMPLE:
‘Okay,’ his voice went quieter. ‘Let’s not argue. Why don't we go watch half of the game and then go visit your grandma?’
PROBLEM:
You can't have the cookie and eat it too. Sometimes you need to back off, and sometimes you need to show assertiveness. It all depends on the circumstances of the situation. By not doing so, you're never getting what you want, but the other person isn't either.
CAN BE USED TO WRITE CHARACTERS WHO:
• want to avoid a bigger fight
• want to satisfy everyone
• aren't flexible and don't consider the uniqueness of each situation
• believe compromising to be a solution for all the conflicts
So now, what is the healthy conflict style?
COLLABORATING
- finding a solution that makes both sides happy
What IS collaborating conflict style that other styles aren't?
MATURE. Not afraid of disagreeing. Keeping an open mind without losing yourself. It's a way of healthy communication.
It's a 100% + 100%.
EXAMPLE:
C: ‘Look, I know cycling’s important to you, and I want to honor that. But this art exhibition is also important to me and I really don't want to miss it…’
E: ‘I hear you and I care about your needs as well. Can we agree on doing one thing today and the other thing the next weekend?’
C: ‘Sounds good!’
C: ‘Let me see... It's supposed to be a national holliday next Sunday so the museum will be closed, and that's the last weekend of the exhibition… in that case, what do you say we go there today and the next weekend will be all about cycling?’
E: ‘The weather is supposed to be awesome next weekend… I'm in, but you're buying the snacks!’
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